Don't show this to your wives

["Dr John Tankard" <john@xxxxxxx>]

It must be a couple of years since i last re-posted this, so for anyone who
has not seen it before.

Have a smile.....



Nov 28, 1995: Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach house at
last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood.
Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is
connected to my personal computer, which is connected to the power lines,
all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs off a universal
remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a
snap.
I'm like, totally wired.

Nov 30: Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked
the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy when I
arrived.
Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.

Dec 1: Had to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth problems.
The
TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on the phone. They
insist
it's a problem with the cable company's compression algorithms. How do they
expect me to order things from the Home Shopping Channel?

Dec 8: Got my first SmartHouse invoice today and was unpleasantly
surprised.
I suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the washing machine
interface when I'm not here. She must be downloading one hell of a lot of
GIFs from the binary groups, because packet charges were through the roof
on
the invoice.

Dec 3: Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the
refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else
electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything.
Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing. Call the
cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer me to the
utility. The utility insists that the problem is in the software. So the
software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house processor.
Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care,
I
just want my kitchen back. More phone calls; more remote diag's. Turns out
the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network had
never seen a
refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic
interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen.
But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power
surge, the kitchen logic sequence was confused and it couldn't do a
standard
restart. The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever
happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.

Dec 7: The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We
discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it
creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the
window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security sensors
are actuated, and the police computer concludes that someone is trying to
break in. Go figure. Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in
self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote won't let me change the channels
on my TV. That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the
channels by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be
fixed in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet.
Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the microwave is secretly tuning into
the cable system to watch Bay Watch. The unit is completely inoperable
during that same hour. I guess I can live with that. At least the blender
is
not tuning in to old I Love Lucy episodes.

Dec 9: I just bought the new Microsoft Home. Took 93 gigabytes of storage,
but it will be worth it, I think. The house should be much easier to use
and
should really do everything. I had to sign a second mortgage over to
Microsoft, but I don't mind: I don't really own my house now--it's really
the bank. Let them deal with Microsoft.

Dec 10: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House. I keep getting
an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to run the dishwasher.

Dec 12: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My personal
computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home
and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice,
the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the
basement, the garage door is cycling up and down and the TV is stuck on the
home shopping channel. Through-out the house, lights flicker like
stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is
everywhere.
Of course, the security sensors detect nothing. I look at a message slowly
throbing on my personal computer screen: WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE
FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so humble, there's no virus like the
HomeWrecker...).

Dec 18: They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the place
is
a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the
part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as the
anti-virus SWAT team members like to call themselves) are confident the
worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad" one he tells me,
"but consider
yourself lucky you didn't get PolterGeist. That one is really evil.

Dec 19: Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and
mudslides, yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My
agreement with
the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are
null and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks in any way,
shape or form with a non-certified on-line service. Everybody's very, very,
sorry, but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that might be
created. We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited!

Dec 21: I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday
offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's
new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers
personally. "Sure," I tell him.



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