This will make you laugh your b**ocks off!

["Paul Gordon" <paul@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Wendy personally knows this person and it bloody well made us laugh.

=20

Paul G.

=20

Subject: FW: Complaint I Have Just Sent To Talk Talk - Please Distribute W
=
idely=20

=20

________________________________

Dear Chimpanzee Number 58,=20

=20

It is a common theory that if an infinite number of chimpanzees were
provid=
ed with an infinite number of typewriters and given an infinite amount of
t=
ime they would produce the complete works of Shakespeare. I have always
tho=
ught that this "logic by infinite randomness" theory was flawed
because sur=
ely a number of beings with limited intelligence and ancient technology
cou=
ld not produce anything worthwhile in any amount of time. That was how I
fe=
lt until I signed up for your new call package.=20

=20

It seems that TalkTalk have stumbled across a way of providing
"free" broad=
band and have been blowing their trumpets about it. As a result of this
tru=
mpet blowing I was suckered in to signing up and moving away from my
previo=
us TalkTalk package. I was so stunned by the potential reduction in my
bill=
s I had to ask your sales Chimpanzee whether this was too good be true -
"w=
hat's the catch?" I asked, high on potential savings, he replied
dishonestl=
y "there isn't one!" he said.=20

=20

Oh really... In that case why is it that since signing up for your free
bro=
adband package have I had to make several complaints regarding my account?
=
Almost instantaneously, my account was thrown in to turmoil. Let me
explain=
:

1.	your computer system (which is presumably a ZX Spectrum) disabled my
dir=
ect debit.=20
2.	you then sent me a red letter to say my payment was overdue.=20
3.	I called your call centre and after 45 minutes listening to
"Something i=
n Air" by Hayley Sanderson I spoke to someone at an outsourced centre
of ex=
cellence who said that I had pressed the wrong number and needed the
landli=
ne section not the broadband section.=20
4.	I tried again and spoke to someone who said "whoops!, our
mistake", if y=
ou make a payment today for the outstanding balance I will set up the
direc=
t debit again by pressing the big red button on my rubber keyboard.=20
5.	A couple of weeks later I received a letter from a credit agency
stating=
that they would bang the door down and take my belongings to the value of =
about =A330. Incidentally, if this did happen I would have given them a
cou=
ple of Spice Girls cds.=20
6.	I contacted your call centre once more and was told that the computer
sy=
stem had indicated that an amount was outstanding... I kind of knew that
wa=
s going to happen. Once again, I made a payment over the phone and was
told=
that my account was up to date and future payments would be taken by direc=
t debit.=20
7.	I am now convinced that the concept of "direct debit" is
either too comp=
licated for your troupe of Chimpanzees or someone has tripped over the
powe=
r lead for the ZX Spectrum and the plug has come out of the socket.=20=20
8.	I today received a call from the credit agency to say that I had an
amou=
nt outstanding.

Is there any chance that, should you remember the meaning of "customer
serv=
ice", you could explain what is going on as, like yourselves, I am a
little=
confused. I am more than happy to maintain my own account on the ZX Spectr=
um as I feel that blindfolded with both hands tied behind my back and
typin=
g with my big toe only I could do a better job.=20

=20

I remember hearing once that megalomaniac mobile phone guru Charles
Dunston=
e believed that for every job done well a customer would tell 10 people,
bu=
t every job done badly a customer would tell 20 people. I thought I would
p=
rove that he is not the lunatic you all may think he is by copying this
com=
plaint to 20 people.

=20

I hope to hear from you soon. I tried to call twice today but your yoghurt
=
pot and string telephone system cut me off on both occasions.=20

=20

All the best,=20

=20

Mr Shield=20

=20



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